A scribble during a M&C lecture

Speculation does not belongs to everyone. As the instructive education has been given to the most of people, grabbing unique idea and perspective with dumpng the habit of acceptance is never to be easily available. Because they are already instilled.
Perhaps I am one of 'they'. Brand new and view from outside, objective critical thinking is needed. No prejudice from the self-inserted idea loses its attractiveness, although I am more attracted to that 'no one caring' attitude, the atypical point of view.

15AUG08 in M&C lecture.

So, is that dumb?

You never know what's in someone's head, even though he/she really looks dumb.

It is like the smile of Clown.
His sadness is never to be revealed but only remains in he heart alone.

distance.

I don't have people around me right now.
But I do have so many people who care of me.

At here my hideout in Oakleigh,
at about to finish this year's studying chance,
I'm dreaming back.


My brother left for korea this morning.
My friend confesses me the suffering of loneliness.
most of the people i know in this island are about to leave back to their country sooner and later.
Even my house mates are leaving here soon.

This is not a kinda grumbling or a seasonal feeling.
And the reason why i'm so familiar with this solitude is so obvious in my heart.


For fulfiling the request of the flowering happy writing on the blog,
I'm looking back and remembering the people that loved me.

The prayers and concerns. The Letters and e-mails. The calls and regards.

These are never leaving me.
Even though I'm psycally all alone now having distance with you, it doesn't matter.
For relationship, distance is out of the fomular.



(One X One)Alpha = Relationship.

Alpha is the correlation rate of caring of each other.


Hm.. somehow it's childish, but it works.
Hahahaha.. just for fun.

-. Distance never apart you and your non-worldly lover.

What a life~!(assignment required to read.)

Hm.... To testify that my thought is not always negative.

I wanna write this with this immediate rudeness.
Empty can of thought may drive me quite weird.
But thru it, I might be able to jot down things that I can simply come up with.




(Pic. 1. Asian begger on the wall in Oakleigh, Victoria.)


-. Happy, wonderful and shiny day like today is always choking me with an idleness of comfort like HOI-stic pressure.

-. Certain type of dream allows me sobriery in it.

-. Imaginable future i cannot help but agreeing its big distance from me uses its fingers onto my face and design a suitable smile.

-. A strand of my desire is unbreakable by the hand of the Omnipotence and it tastes too free to be under the low ceiling.

-. grumble which is supposed to be an influence never touches the cool with no-dilemma.



(pic 2. riding horse, drifting to left.)

-. I'm now well experienced university library user!! So intellegent!

-. Somehow the steps i got to take looks so trivial!

-. the mindful 'keep in touch's were penetrated my heart and I won't let it through beyond the pond of forgetfulness.

-. hm.... happy 5 hours-lasted nap filled me with further developed desire of sleeping~!

-. My belly strive for the oneness and each muscle contribute to its one globalization to be looked as a wealthy.




Anyway, find just one of your enjoyments of the day from now on~!!!
(it's homework for those who read it and let's share yours by pressing the comments button below~!)

The reality of power!

Money is a worthless necessity.

The things I don't deserve.

15 Nov 08 today.

It's the most D-day during a year.

Today(the day above) is the day I could have so much things that I don't deserve.

I thank God for making me having this day which i don't deserve.
I thank all the friends for that giving me concern which I don't deserve.

all the msgs, prayers, phone calls, gifts, surprise party, txt msgs, letters(!!), and unknown glimps of thinking me relating this day. big or small, pricy or not, mindful or tirivial or blessing or cursing. Whatever this day I had was not worth me.


Cuz I know
how I haven't taken care of the people so much,
how I haven't loved the others as I was supposed to be,
how I have turned down the others' hands reaching me,
and I have felt the space in me was to bulk to be hidden,

I just don't deserve this day.


All the blessings and smiles I could have this day simply reminds me of praying more for the others.

whether it's deemed as religous or not, the biggest thing i can do for the people God sent to me as a lovethrough, is prayer.

I won't give up this day.
Cuz this day is the day i could have a material to happily remember in the future.

this hollow is still but i couldn't feel it for the day.

Thx God for showing me these loves through these beloved people.
and thx for the beloved.

Drip and Drop.

during the daily life, this cog never speaks of something impertient that everyone might do.
As a trivial role in this play called world, his part was always putting empathy to others.
To the people who were down, he cordially brought himself down to the bottom and tried to feel and share the agony in them.

He created laugh when there was laugh, poured out the sorrow where there was sadness and cheered up whom the depression conquered. He's been always regarded as a weak and dumb. But he believed that he could make a lot of his own. He trusted that he could fill the broken jar with water... till the event happened.



In this messy and busy world, one day he found a drip of something twinking. It had splendid brightness and looked so confident. He drew his hands together and took a drop of it. He was so happy that he could find this precious sight. It seemed no one ever touched it or quite a long ago some might touch it. He was so glorious. He put his hand onto his chest. It was infiltrated. He was about to move on. But he luckily saw one more drop is about to come.
He was so nervous. He couldn't help but wanting to share this exciting with someone. So he turned his head around.

There's none breathing with him.




There's none breathing with him, even though every one there was breathing.
The silence of none breathing overflowed into his ears loud and he had to let the shivering in him out through his eyes.

He did want it. but his eyes couldn't hold and finally dropped it. It, the delightful and happy 'it', fell down to the ground and smashed to pieces. It also broke up his heart.

He couldn't tolerate it. He, once again, graped a drip of it and moistured his chest. he could smile again. his heart was in need of someone to share it again. And he found there was none of breathing with him.

His 'it' left his eyes again. And he's receiving a drip of it again.



He will never leave where he's now. His reluctance craves for someone not busy in this all-engaged world. But he has one thing that makes him cannot stand with.




'There's none of breathing with him.'

in the mid of the world becoming transparent.

27Oct08 1406 @M&C Lec.

Transparent world.

There's no place to blame on the world's transparency. Beauty, and zest of a human is no longer able to be hidden as they used to be. Deepness is gone as no inwardness exists.
What you see is what it is. Expression is the only tool.
Holding is a dumb thing.
'Inside' becomes inside only then when it becomes outside.

Externalism has settled in.
It's time for invisible preciousness to be visible or it is not a valuable anymore.
Internal attractiveness is nothing.
The flavor of deliberation becomes tastless.

this era urges people to be transparent.
To get an ecstacy instantly.
To help judge things quicker.
To make everythings faster.
and
To eliminate the fruitful blossoming of charming perseverance that keeps inward beauty being grown up.

Dance, Singing, looking, visible joyness and whatsoever...

they already replace 'kindness, pureness, fidelity, patience', the inner virtues.
these genuine oldies are spit out.
those olies we are enjoying is only the exterior of them without kernels.



How poor the people who still follow the inward are.

Do you remember yesterday?

Do you remember yesterday?

were there stars in the night sky yesterday?

How much clouds were there yesterday?

What made you smiling yesterday?
Which way the wind blows yesterday?
Who did want you to look back yesterday?
When did you feel hungry most yesterday?
Why don't you remember some of those above about yesterday?


Yesterday was one of the days you have had.
But yesterday had not been met you before and you won't have the 'yesterday' again till the end.

There might be so many yesterdays.
But the yesterday you've been thru was just one particular yesterday.

No one had same day as exactly you had.

That means, U lived yesterday and everything was right there only for you yesterday.


For the everything that had settled for you, let me ask you just one question.




Do you remember yesterday?



...... yesterday that was designed only for you?

In fact, it's not that valuable.

Inevitable sacrifice.

The idea current human beings consider as the best is actually just a piece of source for the later human beings. Although it doesn't mean that the every right thing in the past is not totally wrong, if it is considered as not suitable for present, then it is just wrong.

Absolute truth. It is a non-sense but it is worthy. Because the belief in it can only give people an excuse and so that people can believe and say positively 'We are closing to the truth and the justice. We are developing'.

Truth we have is not the truth. It's just a belief that we have truth.

That is, it's merely a poor justification of this present time.

(from my note at 1100 on 16Apr08, Wed)

It's not easy to restart something that was almost forgotten.

People dream.
some walk, run, or rush towards it and some stop and be still. Some step back from it farther and father and some give up.

This world tells a plausible story as it is a hidden secret.


'Chase after the dream till the end.'






I don't agree with that sly and tasteless quotation, but i have my dream too.

Unlike the others, this dream never urge me but sometimes chokes me nearly to the death.

it changes its form all the time and occasionally it converts itself into totally opposite one from the previous one.

Anyway, that is my dream. I never chase after it or try to grab it. I just accompany it during this long journey, called life.


On that view, I have a companion who's always staying with me and his name is 'sensitivity'.
Whenever, whatever, wherever if i want these buddies, he allows me to cooperate on something. Although his appearance is always different, he's most of the time near me.

Once we hung out together at a river side, windy day without doing anything, but writing. We, as usually, came up with one story and started writing down.

for a few days, he begged me to continue it, but i refused it cuz i felt lazy to do it.


That's quite long ago. And we were busy been dong something else.
I accidently found that piece of paper, the memory from that river side, and asked him to restart it.

But he denies to do it.
How hard I try it, he never show his mind.
And then i can't go on.

Cuz it was not mine, but ours.

During the last a week, when i stayed home and did nohing, I couldn't even turn his mind to hang out with me doing the thing. And we've played with something else.

Right now, I really feel sorry missing the story, a bit hate his provoking timid mind, and really regret my carelessness to him.


'Water under the bridge.'

NO SPORTS for 3 MONTH!!

My right posterior thigh brought me to the hospital today.
The pain was getting severe and i could barely move.
(I shouldn't have run yesterday night.)

So I went to Monash Hospital and got an interview.
It is not hamstring strain. It is some blood collection and torn muscle.

Since 2 weeks ago exercising sports for straight 10 days results in severe muscle torn.
Especially last week wednesday, I played socer with some ppl and from the beginning I felt pain.
But my heart was burning(?) for soccer.
I just wanted to play more, so I ignored its seriousness went on..
And now, I have a pair of crutches on my both side when i walk.

Ah... What should I do!! I have revenge soccer league from next week~!

I can't play. It ain't good.
I tried to convince the doctor how much i wanna play for the league.
But Doctor affirmed that if I play a sports within 3 months, the wound will be permanent and you'll limp for your whole life..

Hm...





Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. (Luke 22:42)

To feel sympathy for the ones who ain't got a purpose of life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rXzXDUamCQ

It's a song, named 'Dear Slim pt.2' by KJ 52.

He's a christian rapper and this song is dedicated to Eminem who is so into cursing others.

To feel sympathy for the others, to long to share the real happiness to the ppl who doen't know about it, and to tolerate all the misguided blaming and threatenings, are the duties what christians has to do.


Something hot is forming inside of me.
and I pray God for Eminem and the ppl like him not knowing the real life.

'a life with out Christ is still a life that is never fixed'

Choice.(Hamstring strain)

I was dying for playing soccer.
and I finally could play a game but from right before the game begins, my right back thigh started pain me like it was stretched out over the maximum.

I could not enjoy the time and ruined my players' morale.

I wanted to play. I felt like it'd be okay after a while.
I kept playing. I denied the need of rest that my body claimed.

keep playin!! That was my choice. and the pain got worse and worse.
It was yesterday.



Today I reluctantly went to the city to do somethings.
I barely walked. I was walking like an handicapped.
And I am home now. My leg stimulates and pains me quite strongly.


This short story gives an moral which can be applied to everything.


When you choose (to do) something, there's always outcome from it and you have to be responsible for that.




Choice is one of the most blessing and scariest thing amongst all the taken for granted.

To flavor your tasteless life with laughing.

Just to make the visitors feel refreshed,

I sacrificed. (feat. Keung from HK.)

We were human beings b4 we found out the function of the laptop camera.

My angular part to be trimmed.

A tall tree catches much wind.(It doesn't sound like the proverb I wanted to use...)

Hm.. I mean, to be a circle, the angular parts should be trimmed.


For the state of me blessing whoever treat me in anyway,
For the true smiling of me whatever happens to me,

It is mandatory to lay down my arrogant thought.
It is a must to have a wisdom which open the sight of the narrow way.


To be Han man, the one whenever remains in any heart,

this reckless and lonely race will last on and on and on.

Burst out what I had to do.

When the load of life burdens on my shoulder, it means i was lazy enough to stack the pile of toil.

amazingly stink scent of the turmoil goes on into my olfactory sense which urge me to dispose as i reluctantly do.

Already this chronical idleness encroach on me and agitate me as it has no space to heap up.

It is this short break from being somewhere between dowsiness and overwhelming amount of tasks, like now, when I unfortunately have speculation of myself.


Hahahahahahahaha...

I'd better smile this time. Because I have far more to go for fulfill this word count of essay and my eagerness of own purpose.


Wind blows slyly thru my open window as it's whisper of abandonment.
hehe....

Give thanks.

Give thanks to the grateful heart.
Give thanks to the holy one.
Give thanks because he's given Jesus Christ, the son.

Give thanks to the grateful heart.
Give thanks to the holy one.
Give thanks because he's given Jesus Christ, the son.

And now let the weak say i am strong
Let the poor say i'm rich
Because it's what the lord has done for us.

Give Thanks.



-----------------------------------------------------------

It's Han'man a.k.a. 'J'.

Sometimes I feel like going back.
I just want to be me in the past, whom the people look up to.
just wanna show the things I have and let the others feel jealous.
That was really good in vain though.

To humble myself is never easy to do when you are in the middle of people who wanna be respected.

I had had no idea about humbleness and he simply made me lowered. He took some of the things I was proud of to tell me how much I had had.

Ever since I realized the reason why he lowered me,
I've been gratefully lifted and have felt thankful to God for having degraded me.

I have a worthy thing that cannot compare to the things that i lost.

And as a humble man, I can only give thanks to you, Lord.

Whatever this way goes to, I'll be happy for you having me guided.

I give thanks, Abba, my God.

Knowledge and wisdom.

Knowledge is not the measures. It's wisdom.

at the re-biginning of novel.

An abandoned story,
utilizing the shimmering mementos,
categorizing delightful inccidents,
overcoming sorrow of knowing losing real notes,
and throwing out loneliness coming from thorough isolation in the past.


It's time. It's time to get lost in.