Friday, January 3, 2014

selfless leading and selfless supporting.

I wanted to share my joy as well as the value of my way so that 'we' can be one.

I have tried hard to embrace the loneliness part of me till such philosophical worth is being known by a beautiful lady.
All I wanted was the assurance that she will be with me, regardless of whatever happens, for the time we can become real 'us'.
So i tried reall hard to understand her and make her to participate this joint actively.

I do know that she had heart for me.
I do know she really struggled with what she does not even feel like knowing.

Whenever that was seen, I tried to explain that I will be helpful for the hardship so just ask me actively or tell me.

But I guess that has become another pressure I put on her on the top of the difference of myself from others.

She confessed that she did not want all these hardship in the relationship.
I thought these hardship was a promising step for the future but for her it was just a burden that will ever continue.

She did talk about her willing, but there was no expression of how willing she is for this hardship.

I did not care about how different she and I are.
I did not even care about the slow pace of the progress.
Because I thought all these could be overcome one day as long as we assure in each other's motivation.
Yes.  I just wanted an active participation in making process for becoming 'us'.

I have been degraded throughout the every trial of continuing the conversation. it was like talking to a wall.
I have felt additional loneliness of myself while I was redirecting her emotion to a better motivation because my emotion has to be dealt alone.

When I was pouring my heart, she was listening to the sound of my words.
My heart spilt. and I was busy picking back up the pieces of my heart behind her.

My picture which was never told is oneness of the two physically different entities combined by selfless leading and selfless supporting.

Once I had such hope coming closer..  But I was too little to compensate the innocent and pure sacrifice.

And now..  I thought I could have the hope far more fully due to the thickness of the seriousness given to me, but all were my over-expectation and disappointment was accumulated as I put more and more hope.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Some thoughts in 4th Q in 2013

Having sweetness alone is not loving. But giving it out and being cheap is not fun. A great picture of self-denial. * nice contemplation on a contemporary figure.

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into truth. ... He will speak only from what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to u. (John 14:13~14)

It gets tougher and tougher to sustain now. So i have to surrender more and more. This lonely road is seen by the One. I got reassured. Leggo.

Isaiah 56:1-8. Salvation of others

The verse to ponder upon for this year - Psalm 81 : 16.

When Paul was under the agony of being in the world, he rejoiced in his future grace.

I had a thanking prayer. Five mins was given and i was not be able finish all. So thankful for God being my God.

There are the beautiful feets unseen. I feel so blessed and challenged. For The One, all glory. + meeting a brother devoted himself to gypsy missionary work.

When you have a connection of love with God, you cannot not have love with people.

Message driven rappin
I aint takin no fakin
Im jus givin out that preachin
Its all that life is facin.

Real blessing is not how one well lives. It is how worthless one sees life on earth and therefore finds a real hope in something eternal.

How come things happen at once? Not that easy to bear but i rely upon my God.

Jesus took times to pray for His relationship with His Father.

Whatever it is, i am driven by motivation which comes from the Hope i value. Whether it is God or my action, i follow this.

The experiences christians undergo are the talents which are given to utilise in order to glorify Jesus Christ.

It ain't matter who you are or what you've done. He wants to forgive you. If you are pessimistic to yourself being able to be forgiven, trust me. He will.

Conformity. We often want to belong to somewhere. Does the place welcome u so much that u feel like not deserving it? Does the people/person value u more than who you are? Is it unconditional? Does the belongiongness last longer than your life? Do you feel a happiness that overcomes time and location? Is it secure belonging there? Is it continuously guide and help you? Is there love? To all these, mine is yes. Belonging to Jesus Christ is all yes.

Today is for a visit to a dying man and an appointment with young fellas. They are totally different but i will talk the same. Give me wisdom, Lord.

A laughter coming from empathy in the middle of seriousness is so great. It encourages as much as its sincerity.

I have waited a hand of understanding. I have been living hard to be a respectful leader or a uniquely worthy thinker, not a weightless-behaving clown or a nagging kid. A big tree was applauded with its consistent location and growth and maturity, not with its self-introduction.

Credit. Relational security. Empathy and thoughtful understanding. Sharing life values and mindful effort. Motivation. All are rather deep and core-related issues. Being one of the only few feels quite great. Self-selling is an inbearable humiliation. So tough to sustain without having a heart-shared hand. but only for the hope. Ignoring its isolation effect on myself is another burden. Let me smile, Lord.

pouring a whole night ofthe new year day into a vessel with a hole. the fatigue and hardship of the effort is isolated in me. dizziness and exhaust and emotional drainage. i looked up and talked up. and looked around. no moaning with this pain allowed to share. so toughly alone.

U - It was a dream. One particular smile remains. But it was a reality of the past. It is not here now. It is a reality of the present. And it won‘t be real anymore and I firmly close my lips.
*. the sound of the laughter. The joyful face. The pure heart. ‘A small kid‘

The old fame, popularity, values, and records are not kept as a personal achievement that long. On paper or in very few memories, they are. But not in the picture of now as well as the present hearts of the dear.

The road i felt so long and wide is a lane a car hardly go thru. The basement house i felt like a cozy and spacy fortress is in fact a tiny poor and hidden house with humidity. A gate i made me so safe is in fact a small door an adult can look over. Time changed all but my feelings.

A vivid reminiscence of the childhood. The flawless heart with joyful laughter in a full fun world. Although all these flats and concretes replaced my dear world but i still see the children who run for their adventure. As a big child, I smile and wave at them with a certain nostalgic emotion.

Generational conflict in family is always hard due to the emotional attachment. But it is necessary to try cuz it is the string that connects them together.

A frozen road. A road covered with ice. A road is called slippery.

It is so wonderful to see the bigger picture with a certainty of Tomorrow. So addicted to this view. But it creates isolation. An isolation that i used to get scared the most of.

U - The compatibility of my uniqueness and a hope on this way to Hope. It was pretty doubtable but i thought it is possible. Once it seemed possible. But the aftermath of this trial burdens everyone including myself. ‘people misunderstand me even when i explain their misunderstandings of me‘. This sentence keeps running in my head.

It is good to remember the sound of your humming. I am just afraid that i might have made it stopped.

The darkness in an individual can be emitted out in many different forms. Color-coated, fragrant-injected, and sweetened piece of darkness is still a darkness. Need to see the origin of it.

One step deeper is all they need. Shallow-minded leaders can lead only to the shallow way.

Havent slept for abt last 40 hours for deteriorating myself. Putting an effort for ignoring my thoughts and nourishing others leaves the scars on the centre of me. After a fuss, i am left alone and gather the pieces of me in a loud calmness. Great loneliness. But i will say the hope grows.

Need to grow up more, embrace more, and expand more. Be aware of stiffness which can hunt down my cravings for the vision.

Under this freezing weather, i was too busy struggling to feel cold. But now, i feel cold. Thank God for giving me reasons to feel so.

A biorhythm keeps its clock even when it is wrongly tickin. But there is a recommended pattern which accords nature. The amazing side of human being as a part of nature. Nature as a whole works as it is mae to be. Do i? Or do we? Inteeresting material for further thinking.

U - A burden that causes trouble is already enough. I may be able to take it as i know it coming but what abt the ones i care. Do i really need to bring them into this whole mess for the personal novelty.. It is getting clearer as I have more time with them. Feel sorry and bad yet i jus cannot let go of my thoughts. Dilemma? No. Greed? maybe. Feel double-burdened. Let this be a lesson, LORD. Guide me.

I think, therefore I am.

A single change in weather can affect the whole day of an individual. We time to time think ourselves as something so great and awesome to decide what is good and bad, but we are just a spec of the universe, a particle of a dust. Self-decoration (called self-presentation) becomes a virtue and humbleness lost its noble position. Who would suggest to feel less of self in this competing race?

U - This day. Several thoughts run busy on this day. An unreached heart and brutal passion of walking along the given way as well as a postponing of companionship. The realness of True Story and its absence in the memorial day for itself. Concerns to the beloved who may not even consider me much. The great love i have. And so on. It is the day.

Plucking one badness out of the whole thing and stereotyping all into one image. Especially it greatly works when the whole is a largely distorted one and the stereotype serves the taste of the spectators. + discussion abt philomena

Present. Between the past and future. The present. Between the past and The Future.

‘life can only be understood backwards but must live forwards‘. True.

U - When an event occurs, a memory is added. When it happens, i automatically see my side. I smile. And i hope to have another smile There. + refer to the wrapped-up confession thing.

A journey that will b remembered in any form. It will b defined later but began with the thought of seriousness. Fragile human me. Human me. Hm.

Living in a fantasy will eventually lead u to facing the reality of who u are and what your life is heading for. The meaning of life will never be solved if u just try hard in ignoring it.

U - Perhaps I should follow what is in my head sooner or later. I disguised myself in order to fit in. I thought it was a good way of harmonious adjustment but in fact it has been an ignorance to my own self. The taste of the vivid desire I once had was too sweet and secure to return myself where I used to be. Now, I function fairly well. But I just smile alone and that is all that matters. + refer to the note I made about the 'wish' on cy.

아픔까지 함께 한다는 말. 내가 될테니 기다리란 말.

Productivity is one great value. Functionality signifies an inner worth. Punctuality and capability is an important aspect. By doing the best, fulfilling the expectation. What is the difference between man in this society and a kog of a machine?!

Superficiality is a poison for the genuine realistion of true worth.

People are busy dealing with their own emotions. an interdependence at the fundamental level of emotion seems not possible. But I do want it and I won't change it.

Everyone can make their own interpretation of a word or msg. Many misunderstandings comes from this type of miscommunication. On the other hand, the only few are interested in why it is delivered. Another wisdom of living a life.

A likely fomula that can be applied to the category of the common. But it aint a law.

One single supportive word can change the attitude. Wisdom in use of a tongue is desirable.

Boby aches everywhere after a 6 hours drive under the crazy snowy weather. As my shoulers get healed, it is time for rehabilitation. (I used to do it for a reason.. but now...)

When was the last time i played with snow on a farm ground? A great fun and memory reminder.

Age gives u stiffness in thinking. But it never stopped u learning. As long as u hold onto humbleness, u can be ever-growing.

Water flows and time passes. I remain the same.

Walking along a night beach and pondering upon the self-realisation moment of earlier today. The deterioration of my thinking ability has been neglected for this long. Ever since the time was marked in my life, the voice of that sea wave gets clearer. A night. A night i speak without words. A mouth that is not on a face. A wave that nods its head to me.

A sudden trip to a beach. Heading towards east for no reason. Pondering upon the time btwn now and 10 yrs back. We are on the same way. Different age and the same emotion.

For color blind people, the world is composed of less diversity in color. For the narrow-minded, the world runs with a rather rigid formula. It is not only them who cannot see the world as whole. In order to communicate them, i still need to expand my perspectives as well as test my own sight limit to the world.

A lady ridiculed to my reason for life. Shouldnt i feel bad or angry? Instead, I feel sorry and pitiful. I guess the happiness in me is flowing enough to doubt it. Feel joy in where i become laughable for the name of Him.

‘Decorate yourself.‘ The same advice i get all the time. A piece of advice that i just cannot apprehand. I ain‘t bluff. Knowing who I am is one certain beauty of life. Anti-normalised value in humbleness is now a sad obstacle for the public realisation of my functionality. What an unfortunate sturbbornness of me.

One side is designed to show others and the other side of true self is to hide from others. That is for conforming to the culture harmoniously. He chose it to value his life. I chose it to value my life thoughts. But being active and continuous in it is in common btween him and me. + after watching the movie, ‘butler‘.

In the morning, i gather the pieces of myself into a bucket. Have i changed the way i think or do? Have i stopped growing? Have i been selfish? Have i been lazy in doing what i wanna do? Well. My answers are as clear as unanimous.

U - To mute myself in order to be one of the world. It‘s an easy thing as long as I manage well to sustain the solitude. What is the big deal? It has been like this all the time. Do not hold onto the hope that i have dreamt of. I guess it shook me too hard to jus give it up. The desperate walker cries to nowhere. No echo should be expected. Yeah. No echo should be expected.. keep the treasure inwards. Its worth is goin nowhere.

‘I ain‘t cheap and i ain‘t no care whether u call me expensive‘, says the ‘un‘price-able.

Distrust may come from me. But facts are already there. It is really hard to just ignore it. What a life in a world.

When a life is abt to end, there is always a lesson. Life on earth is meaningless, but death on it isn‘t.

Empathy. Always happens in one way. I can do it. Because i want it to be done to me. In the midst of ppl, thoughts and feeling runs dizzily. God, u know it. Help me.

U - I don‘t mind that i am just same as others when i am. But it feels hurt to be treated as one of the others when i am not. And, becoming one of the others by situation chokes me to the edge. Hm. So lonely.

A dark sky in the evening thickly covers this big world. Tiny cars and buildings are busy burning. So many people in my sight. But dear my companion is nowhere. How good it would be to share this immense joy of the travel!

A night that makes me thinking abt ‘My people.‘ A deep sentiment of the heart remains in my eyes. The solitude of a wild wolf that caged in a tiny parcel. I do see it alone.

When a joy is muted, it remains isolated. It does not go away. Just not be seen.

‘Hugging the air! It is abt hugging! Sounds so comfy!‘ People may tend to overstretch positivism and ignore the reality. It happens quite everywhere.

Smile on the things that never reach me. But the seriousness comes into play too radically when it enters into my concern.

A true regeneration of spirit or resurrection is not by our decision nor by knowledge. It is a supernatural gift from God.

7 out of 7 looking down at phone. The culture trend is obvious. Then, the contents matters. Not the trend itself. * in a subway

A dream that made my heart beating so well and healthy. A dream.

Having a couple of bread that are expired. Like me realising things always after a while later.

a misfit. at least a misfit can have a hope for another misfit.

I do know that i do not deserve to look for the interdependance i have dreamt of. Then, one way is left. But... my hope for sharing joy..... cannot leggo.

One of the hardest time is when a hope is given away when it was meant to be accomplished. For greater good. yes. for greater good.

Always becomes once. All becomes one. Everything becomes nothing. Because one becomes two.

You deserve better. Way better..

was a half step ahead always but never looked back.

One keeps embracing. one being thorny. one tried to harm. One made memory. one says sorry. One says thank you. one is.... me. a small one.

No matter what runs in my head, morning comes. A day begins.

A wind of irresistable yearning for the realisation of my hope blows onto my cheek. I may have scattered a couple of sincerity, but a shame will remain in my every breath. Now, i put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and walk on. It is a windy day.

A lost diary. Feel hard on the fact that i lost the diary of my 1 year-hardship memories in the past. In the midst of a busy and lively crowd, i stand still and remember the feeling i had over my careless attitude towards the precious records.

When a laughter was left alone, it was loud and full. When it came to this place, it became ignored and eventually muted. When was it since this laughter heated this passionate heart? Just a hurt smile remains on my face as if it has been always there.

Solitude goes on.

Utterly amazed by a histrical figure by his likeness of me in terms of the solitude (or the hope for sharing his thoughts). I indeed need to read u and see who are and what were your treasure, kierkegaard.

Something can only be seen by the people who knows its symbolic or inner meaning. The expension of it perhaps is called ‘a good insight‘.

The stories and thoughts untold will remain isolated without the key of your interest. Lonesomeness of the unspoken treasure will harden the heart. ‘Life goes on, the loneliness too.‘

For the greater good. Yes.. greater.. (Nov)

A white mask. A 20 min-long effective item. But before the imfo is known, the mask on that face will stay there for whole day.

A disabled man walks with an aid of a woman with no appearing decency. But it is decent already for their heartful union is beautiful enough.

U - The broken promise may become no value to look at. But it will continuously remain on my lips for God as well as on my heart.

There are too many things that cannot be expressed in words.

None of us deserves his grace. Thanks to Jesus on that piece of wood, i want to be a stone under the feet of the people who need to see Him.

It is good to know you realised life here is meaningless and aimless. I hope u find the right answer to the life question and i will be right there beside u, buddy. For the Happiness, the absolute and genuine one.

There are talks that are only understood by some who share some related commonness. I have been busy telling others abt the importance of it. Then today, i felt like it would be good to be slient and reveal it only when a question is given as long as it is not about THE Truth.

Live by and for faith. Without faith, nothing is valuable. (heb 11:6)

Who shall remain? Will there be any in this mess? I will. This road is as scary as how fun it is.

U - The joy i always wanted still remains in my wish list. Nostalgic empathy connected between me and me in the past. What i had in my dream was a single smile that is genuine, not this one i put effort to make. Will i have one? +. After reading some old pieces of my etude.

The trouble in sincerity. I cannot ignore nor get over.

We see what we believe. To be curious about what is unseen and how others see can make one wise.

Let this year be one that makes me smile on my 31st day. God, I need u for that.

Thank you everyone for ur concern and greetings thru all different types of technologies(haha). I felt God‘s love thru each of u and will pray for all of you. * And even the ones who missed the chance to say but still keep me in their mind are all appreciated.

Once it was a piece of my normal day. A while later, it became a nostalgic memory. Then, it came to be a dream i longed for going back to. Now, it is just a place i don‘t belong to. *standing alone on the lane in front of the house i spent my childhood and teenhood.

Long time since opened my childhood album. Expected to do it with someone, but i still be better alone for doing so. The stories untold. Sweet and bitter feeling. Good material gathering for The Day‘s thinking.

Sometimes it is necessary to look back and think about whom yourself is. Learn about yourself and concern about yourself in the future. In terms of influence-receiving, remember you are the one who can make your own environment to some extent.

The time is coming. No wonder for this thrilling solitude that awaits it. My diary is about to finish. To end up the chapter of this dynamic and humiliating year, time to get ready. A rewind begins.

Buildings and leaves. Money and positions. They all will run well with or without us. Keep up, dear friend.

Positive mind is normalised in society and its abscence is pathologised to certain degree. This phenomenon implies how a life in a society becomes intolerably hard without it.

Job 2:10

Retrospect. Prospect.

Feel like a toughly packed thing bursted out. A chaotic headache pounds the heart. Out of control. Clinging tightly to God‘s hand.

U - There are good examples of havin the erroneous belief i am always right. Be aware of the fact that prudence and thoughtfulness does not mean perfection. Don‘t delude myself that i am always right. Be open to the perspectives and empathize them. Admitting that i am just another tiny and limited man, look for maturity. Keep it real. - a pause moment of self-reflection in a dawn of insomnia nights.

May LORD guide me through a way You think i need. Growth in You is all i hope for.

Over the night, the call was repeated numerous times. It hit hard on me and my chest got drier and drier. But morning still comes.

History notification and bday alarm on a side of the window. I was led to the past. Found my photos and the words abt me. Influence. Brokenness. One-sided reminiscence. Time and mind. Time heals nothing, at least for those who care about minds.

Thankful for the calmness. Sorry for the wrongdoings. I make mess. You forgive. You decide, i follow. God, You are all i need.

I am wicked but You called me righteous. Thank You for hearing me.

While Jesus was tortured, i was busy creating reasons for the torture.

Have bn alone for a while to reflect myself and to re-check my path. By encountering many instances, my solitude has been told again and again. And today, i am told i am nothing but a mere lump of sin. God, hold me. Hear my prayer that Jesus taught. I lay down myself. Let Your will be done.

Christocentric life does not allow other saviour whether it is gods or human.

I took the same risk. I feel the same. But i.. different.

Living in a big mess. What is sad is that few can see it. The few only realises they add up more mess like others and feel guilty abt it.

My words is now ready. But my concern will never end.

Fame remains for an instance.

Life that is written for someone is different from the lives that is lived out randomly. The good worth that is never recognized. My aim shifts to the One again.

U - The fact that I would rather be alone than i have a not-enough strangles me hard to force me being alone. Typical me. There would be none to fill my longing up. But i still do wish so. Yeah. I do so.

20131102 2243 For a settler, the environment is one of the most important and meaningful things that continuously interacts its influence and subsequences. For a traveler, all things will be passed away and therefore they are meaningless unless one goes the journey with him. The traveler does need one that shares the journey and thoughts.

When a hand is desperately in need. When disappointment grew so hard. When exhaust falls onto the eyelids. And when all these take place at once.

A series of aweful dreams woke me up several times already. Or rather, it was my guilt-ridden reflection that just tells me my sinfulness. Thank You Lord for stopping my vicious conducts to make me repent. I surrender to You.

When u are gone. Hm. When i am gone? Haha. Yeah i know it. - peeping the personal talk on display. (U definitely know u will feel worse by showing it off. It aint a solution.)

Realisation of the unworthiness of self is necessary to see the true worth of God.

A pathetic sinner i am without God. Not my willing but God‘s may drive me.

Though You slay me, yet I will praise You. Though you take from me, I will bless Your name. Though You ruin me, still I will worship. Sing a song to the One who is all i need.

Being in the middle of silence.(The end of Oct.  When I was isolated fully alone and felt the hope-less.  When I stopped all cordial caring and looked at myself.)

Just did a heart-poured piece of writing as usual but very special. Here i stacked jus another piece of me that will never be heard to any. Just another lonely night as usual.

Appearance does not tell u everything abt the entity. It is revea.ed far more by its background or historical stories.

As always. (the hurt I have after I show myself.  Not many cared about my untold feeling but they are busy thinking about their own feelings.)

Appearance does not tell u everything abt the entity. It is revea.ed far more by its background or historical stories.

A hungry, dizzy, sleep-demanding and sweating day continues and still need to fill myself up with some energy. I cannot but my Master can make it. Give me Your strength today so that i can empathise and embrace ppl i meet.

Unity, peace, encouragement, cheering, morality. All sound just right for any religion and for a better human world. But if it does not value the uniqueness of Jesus Christ, it has nothing to do with Christianity. God is merciful because he is righteous but forgives the unrighteous, not because he is a pushover who smiles to any blasphemies. Jesus is the Only way. Period. (regarding WCC)

This journey shall end with glory. The joy of it already feels me up high. As long as i am hereon the way, i shall mind my mission only. All glory to God.

As long as u are satisfied with your life and wgat u long for, all is fine. But whether it gives u the consistant and life-lasting happiness regardless of what happens is a good measurement for how u live now is worthy or not (for yourself).

Even if He doesn‘t, i am already thankful enough.

Uncertainty can be seen differently according to the type of glasses a person wears. Some sees it as opportunity and for some it is called desperation. Then what do i call it? I will jus say uncertainty.

Walking along with the way to the ‘old place‘ takes me to the past. Although it is said the unfortunate but good thing about human-being is forgetting, I can already empathize myself - the sentiments, burdens, questions, health, and even the taste of th breath at the time.

As usual. A cynical smile touched my lips. I am who i am and what i think. Want to be shared. As usual. Yes. As usual.

It is not only that i appreciate your thankfulness but also that i do love to accompany your life journey as your friend. You are more than welcome. I thank you for concerning me for counselling your hard times.

1jn 2:15-18

A premade and mass-printed booklet that changes names only per cases appreciates the visit and welcomes. Formality for social show-off and celebration procedure that follows normalised notion than truthful hearts. No one‘s fault it is. Feel somewhat hollow in all these. Hope your true thankfulness be delivered to these people. And i just pray and wish for your happiness from my heart, my dear friend. Congratulation on ya wedding.

There is no wisdom in me. Let me have Yours for this sunday.

All the things that has been done cannot be undone. Regret and apological heart. Self-criticism and blame on imprudence. Damage management and aftermath of immaturity. If you face it seriously, that is where you grow. And for the chosen, confession and guidance-seeking to God are the ‘how‘ part.

Getting up so early after a sleepless night. Whatever happened in my head and heart, morning comes. ‘The joy comes from the morning‘. Fill me up with Your joy today.

Pure sensitivity of innocent mind. Beautiful. Regardless of age, just beautiful. Feminine tenderness in emotional expression. Beautiful. (Hm. I aint gon b able to write so. Well. It sounds like a good challenge for me. One addition on my to do list.)

Utterly shocked by the way a pen and papers can be used to shake hearts. Speechless moment. This is indeed a wisdom. What am i supposed to do? I just cannot even express with my lips. But.. i... For now, i just appreciate the heartful method. It makes this night sleepless with joy and sorrow.

I am clay and You are my potter. (Jeremiah 18:1-10)

Humbleness with Knowledge leads to action.

The worth at last is the first.

I would rather sympathise with your downside. Cuz everyone looks for your joy to share. I wish to be one you can find easily to share your hardships.

It is always cheering to have someone with such a strong mind and willing for making things together. A great news it is. Good on u. + the one with swagger(?).

Always regretful about the patheticness of my effort that try to fit in where i do not belong to. What a sociological misfit and a chronological misplacement i am. A hope for sharing the worth and being understood of my self always leaves me a tremendous damage i cannot handle. Rather limping alone than being played by others. No necessity for degrading me for ithers. I will be a unique stone that waits for the one who recognizes the value of it and actively moves out to have it. + the sentiment and volition of the situational tragedy in my personal history.

Standing on a street in this cold weather shook me to look at the torn newspapers on a side of the road. Remembered that once i found them warm. Hu.. the memory of a homeless. When no one was waiting for me, i still waited for someone. And it continues ever till now. ‘An odd wish of an odd one.‘

"Lord, kill me if I don't preach the Gospel" Amen.

Scratchin. Rappin. Beats. Instruments. But above all, preachin and message-oriented holy cheerin. +stayin at my church alone over night as usual.

You will be remembered and your passion will continue bearing fruits. Cannot wait to see u. Dear holy brethren.

Do u follow any form of beauty? Does it last long enough? Does it worth ur life? Ask first and then act.

As people grow, most of them like to have, eat, exprience, see, and possess only what they want. Growing old gives certain autonomy to a person and it is used for self. For maturity, watch out yourself becoming one of this.

U - Serious attitude to myself is one of my uniquenesses. This seriousness takes the other options away and build inter-personal faith hard. If being prudent is to be blamed without any attempt to know, i shall be standing here passively and stubbornly to take it. +. this one is for two different occations as of today. (Relational and advising aspects)

Whatever i am pushed in, i will stay the same. On the same road of life. In the same hope of fellowship. Of the same heart of belief.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.(Phil. 4:6-7)

I may not be whom u look for. U may not know who i am. Thickened remoteness breathes into my heavy sight. I might be just one who is full of stain but available for your greater good, fellas. I worth nothing but a tool for Him. If I malfunction, i am a mere spec that creates a turmoil. A real talk.

What you see is not always true. What u think is not always the case. But what u believe drives how u do and where u head for.

The desperate hand is reachin out for hope. Hope is a thing that hold ur worth. Then which hope you march for decide who you are. Cuz you are desperate enough to seek for a hope now. * just pray u find the true hope. One that answers all of ur life concern.

People who does not care abt u do not mind feeding sweets to u. But some who cares much abt u will time to time give cautions of concern that may somewhat sound not so good to you. Which type of people do u think of for these? Which fruends do u have more and how do u react to them?

Sweetened bitterness are easily favourable. Sugarcoated insanity looks just right for the tongue of majority. The real talk and the genuine sweetness for the life no longer triumphes, at least in popular culture. But one thing cheerful abt it is that there are a few who still shine in their positions.

A purified heart costs the misguided lust. What the heart calls out for is always obvious as long as no self-deception occurs in one.

A decline to an opportunity to be worldly productive in the chosen land, Israel. A high salary, a promising position and a great experience were proved to be nothing in front of my worship-zeal. Thank You. Let me diminish for Your name. You alone are my satisfaction.

Job hunting chaos. Financial worth became the value of individuals. Not all, but the most in this society render their existential importance to a mere disposable machinary bolt which works for the whole society. Be decisive and be yourself first before u say others are the same. Others doing the same do not justify you or promise happiness. Be honest to yourself and live a living life.

My satisfaction after any achievement solely comes from God. No satisfaction in achievement but in God. (2 cor 3:5)

‘Explicit sign that guides me which way to take.‘ i gotta dig. It is a sign for rakin the Paper in.

The casualness and superficiality to self and life is an unbearable outcome this consuming culture. The most beautiful worth is now on display. Soberness and seriousness is on sale. Prudence and dignity is now nothing but a form of capital. I am dizzy. Isn‘t there anyone who sees it? Anyone?

Good day today in a wonderful world where God is faithful.

Uncertainty. A gigantic obstacle for any build-ups. Regarding it as a misunderstanding and waiting till the time i can see clearly should be wise? Or letting go and giving credits to my thoughts that has always won the battle of expectation?

Arrogance is what i hear from the work i have done. Talking face to face is restricted and still i am just a stubborn one. Yeah. My uniqueness is to be called so, i am one. Let me be the one. ‘You can‘t do nothing.‘ thank you for the comment. *after a phone call with the bigman.

Sleepless night is not necessarily full of thought. But tonight is. Not really sick and with fever usually. But tonight isn‘t.

Looking at spring onion growing in the vases. They grow so well. I wish i grow well and bear fruits too. And i wish i would be like it sharing the same ground, history, and goal.

Saved by grace through faith alone.

I may not have what u want. I do have what u probably don‘t want. You look for something I do not care. That is because I care about what u look for. Whether i lead u on or guide u depends on u. I jus do my part.

Big mess in my head. Probably that is who i am. Nothing but a beast of sinners and a thoughtful solitude with reckless stubbornness. A lonesome spec in a grand world. Kkk.

I have no love for this world. I do love people. But there is no love for this world in me. My love pours out to the people only. It is a life-friendly stream which flows from The One to the beloved.

My heart pumps so hard. It pounds my chest and its tremor stimulates my eyes. In the midst of this narrow way, I remind myself of the goal and reason that continuously tells me to move on. Full of lies surrounds me and the solitude that comes from the travellers' journey shakes whole ground I am stand on. Nonetheless, I will humbly go on this life. Yes. I will. Cuz I know it is nothing but a moment. My rejoice will ever grow seeing the grace I am given.

What are you looking at? How are you looking at it? Why do you look for it? God-centeredness. Yes.

A zeal for the worth-making effort is a one I wish to possess. What the worth is and a passion in progressing would be great to be shared.

God, You alone is to be glorified in this mess in me. Let me decrease and let You increase.

the hope. and The Hope.

I have The Hope and the hope.  

The Hope is to see my Lord in the end.  I live for this.

The other hope with small letters is that I want to have someone who can go this journey with.  

Life is like a travel.  It starts from somewhere and it ends somewhere.  
Depending upon an individual, the way radically changes its shape or outlook.

I do have my own way.  This one is unlike the others' ones.  This has a very firm and unique look with the absolutely fantastic taste of fruit trees.  
But the only problem of this road is that it is far from any other people's road.  There is no neighbor road to mine. 
So I am dying to share this wonderful way to someone. But less likely people recognize its worth cuz it is far from the most people's ways.

I wonder.  Why is it like this?  

So many followed me and said it looks great.  They wanted to know it more.  But then, they got easily changed by the sound of the mainstream people shouting.  they got more interested in the people, not the way itself.  So, they must have seen me only rather than me on this 'my way'.

Now it is getting clearer that I am seen as porcupine who bothers the things getting closer.
Although my way and my value are tremendous and great, I cannot tell them about it cuz my way is different and low. 

I would not mind being treated so cheap and easy if it will worthily shine later on by bearing a fruit called, the hope.  
But it is true that everyone does not see it. 

No. Not everyone, just them, the people who are everyone except "my people".  They don't see its worth enough to stick to.  They just believe it is just another way of a weirdo.   

Being seen as a weirdo and being treated cheap and unbearable.  

It just makes me to giggle at my own effort in caring less about me.  
When my effort is being treated cheap, why do i keep on trying?
Why do I have a hope to have a journey comapanion when I have not seen any?

Yes.  I am desperate.  I am desperately eager to walk this way with the one who appreciates the worth of the way together.

But it is obvious that degrading me without any respect is not on a part of that desire.
Maybe I have trusted too much for the words with the shallow depth.
Or maybe I have tried too hard to overlook the difference of the seriousness.

.. I once dreamt of having a partner who wants to change it.

becoming unique.

The value-driven attitude which desperately longed for the hope of having a companion who can share the true worth of the way.

A group of values I pursue is as precious as how much they are known.
They are often said big, deep, wise, strong and sometimes too much.
Once they are known, the novelty of them is far greater than anything on the earth.

Under the supreme truth of God,
this way towards God with the values I hold seems not so appealing to most of the people in this world.
Sometimes, I had to hide myself with such values in order to fit in the world, called society.
Now I am easily managing how to hide myself but serving what they want.

This solitude has always been with me ever since I started to think.
I was the only one around me who could see the things that are so important and basic.
I have allowed so many people to see what I can see but everyone just left me after they realise they cannot see them so precious as I see.

I am still standing the same and hold the values and thoughts I see.
The isolation that came from the value-driven life started granting me solitude.

Amongst the mundane and tasteless life thoughts, I am the only one who sees them and this awesomeness of view to them amazes me all the time.

I do wish to share them with someone who is really interested in them.
Cuz they are the most valuable ones I have.
From God, as the first, to the values that came out of my prolonged thoughts.
All of them are so great to have in this life.

Everyone is compromising and justifies themselves by explaining their own thoughts.
Everyone does have a feeling of certain degree of loneliness.
Everyone looks for something that will make them happy.
Everyone seeks to hold the thing that can shine themselves.

I do the same.  But I think I do have certain insights of them and I have certain answers to the questions of why.

This novel happiness is to be given away.
This sweet understanding of life is to be shared.
This easy way with a firm goal is to be accompanied.

But everyone is busy being themselves while there is only one answer to everything.

When no one wants to understand, my novel happiness become solely.
But this happiness never goes away.