dark skin.

Dark skin has two kinds.

1.> a kind of dark skin that tanned with someone's will.

Beach. Tanning machine. Sports. oil. medicine.

sleek, glossy, attractive, silky and charming.


2.> the other kind of dark skin that is far from one's desire.

Parents. construction area. dusty tool. shine through.

crumbly, lusterless, dry, variegated, wrinkly and somber.


Colours may look same.

But. are they same? How do you think?

Merry Christmas

Happy Birthday to Jesus!!!!

Celerbration!!!

I pray for you celerbrating Jesus's birthday~!!


Have a happy Christmas!!

My bloger! -Nori Bugyinszki-

whoever comes here(even once), tell me here or send me a photo of you thru e-mail.

hahaha.. just to keep and see who are here and i'll post them!

thx.. hahaha. (or leave a comment so that i can see who you are. I'll post it.)


Actually, all of sudden, I just felt that this blog need to be a bit playful like others'.
(and nothing to do..... for this whole month..)

anyway, i'll be looking forward to you!

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.
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Nori Bugyinszki.

She is from Hungary. She's a blessed daughter of God. I think she wouldn't know that she encourages me a lot when I feel down. English is always troublesome for communication btwn her and me. I told her that i'll learn Hungarian, but now it seems her Korean is far better. Her e-mail in my mail box is always starts with Szia Hani~!!!. haha. hm..

I'm so sorry for that I haven't been in Korea last summer. And I feel bad about me losing Magyarorszag language since I left Magyar. But I'm sure we'll meet again cuz God is right there looking down us. Thx for your prayer all the time and I'm still looking forward to listening to your drumming!!! Nori~! thx for cheering me up all the time~!



God Bless U!!!!

My bloger! - Ethel Chan-

whoever comes here(even once), tell me here or send me a photo of you thru e-mail.

hahaha.. just to keep and see who are here and i'll post them!

thx.. hahaha. (or leave a comment so that i can see who you are. I'll post it.)


Actually, all of sudden, I just felt that this blog need to be a bit playful like others'.
(and nothing to do..... for this whole month..)

anyway, i'll be looking forward to you!

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.
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Ethel Chan.

That's her. No description is needed other than that photo. It is quite sure that Melbourne is not the reason why she has been high throughout this year. She's hyperactive. That's all I can say.

Thx Ethel for this year, especially for your E&D folder. Your way of saying 'hi' to me(waving hands AND legs) was impressive enough to remember you. I don't think i'll see it next year, but i hope i see it in 2010. haha.


God Bless U.

My bloger! - Fiona Ip-

whoever comes here(even once), tell me here or send me a photo of you thru e-mail.
hahaha.. just to keep and see who are here and i'll post them!
thx.. hahaha. (or leave a comment so that i can see who you are. I'll post it.)

Actually, all of sudden, I just felt that this blog need to be a bit playful like others'.
(and nothing to do..... for this whole month..)

anyway, i'll be looking forward to you!


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.
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Fiona Ip. Ms.Mouth. haha.

She's laughing. She suits laughing. She and I could get close during the last exam. She has cared about me quite much. Even though I didn't say anything about it, but i was feeling it.

I found a better pic! haha. I felt somehow that I distracted your focus on last exams. Sorry for that. haha. But remember to keep yourself up for everything! You are grown up! haha.


God Bless U.

My bloger! - Tan Yan Jun-

whoever comes here(even once), tell me here or send me a photo of you thru e-mail.
hahaha.. just to keep and see who are here and i'll post them!
thx.. hahaha. (or leave a comment so that i can see who you are. I'll post it.)

Actually, all of sudden, I just felt that this blog need to be a bit playful like others'.
(and nothing to do..... for this whole month..)

anyway, i'll be looking forward to you!


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Tan Yan Jun a.k.a. 'June'.

My City Motel owner. Even though she haven't worn any skirt for this year, she is one of the most girlish girl. I haven't told her this yet but she's quite caring GIRL. haha.(I mean it.)

You know what? If you go Clayton next year, Oakleigh is really good place to stay! Haha. Then we can be neighborhood! I'll look forward to meet you again here next year! Thx for everything this year and Thx again!

God is with you!

My bloger! - Jasmine Law-

whoever comes here(even once), tell me here or send me a photo of you thru e-mail.
hahaha.. just to keep and see who are here and i'll post them!
thx.. hahaha. (or leave a comment so that i can see who you are. I'll post it.)

Actually, all of sudden, I just felt that this blog need to be a bit playful like others'.
(and nothing to do..... for this whole month..)

anyway, i'll be looking forward to you!


.
.
.

Jasmine Law (I don't know why but this blog keeps erasing photos and i don't think it's good for me to keep changing DBSK's photo. haha.)

I couldn't have much time to talk to her. But I remember that she was so excitied when I come up with K-pop stars.

Thx for visiting my blog!! I hope that you are enjoying this poor one! So are you coming back to Melbourne next year? haha. I wish you learn and get influenced from only good things in Korean stuff!! haha. .there're so many things bad. Have good time during the holiday.!!

God Bless U!

A Passive Pessimistic Poor.

Perhaps the encompassment of a transparent wall is only seen by me.
or I'm the only one who feels it and knows how cold its surface is.

I don't know. Have no idea.

Maybe I've always been waiting for the one who can break into it.
Probably it has been me who building the wall tight and hard, while shouting out to get someone rending it.
Definitely irritation has been originated from me.

This locked-up mind finally gets me finding an outstretching distance btwn you and me.
And once again, the shackle of my waist is fastened and it warned me to look over the wall surrounding me.

But I've saved my smile and appreciation more and more as I've built this wall solider and firmer.

Nevertheless, I'm smothered by the rotten of this beautiful thank in me that I've especially taken care of for the one.

I'd be able to say that I regret that the shame i made to those hands you reached out to me.

However, I'm the 'Han'man'.
It'll be me. It'll be me suffering from the shackle on my waist and the tightness of breathing that I made for myself.

I'll be suffering all the time from the thing I made, called 'isolation'.

The Hardway by KJ52

Some people gotta learn the hard way
I guess I'm the kinda guy who has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway Father
I'm on my knees and I'm crying for Your help

The warning signs like falres in the night
I proceed with my greed indeed but now in spite
of the fire I knows to burn I never learn
as the world turns on its axis I'm like Saul
on the road to Damascus I'm like broken fragments
of broken glasses can't see the facts is
from the fiction God's voice now speaking
but i never listened got me wishing I never
took the hard way 'cause every day is a hard day
turn my heart away God be feeling like
He's far away Jesus take the scars away
'cause life be mad hard today
trying hard not to sway
selfish way finally catching up to me
but if I fall you's catching me
I know You's catching me

Some people gotta learn the hard way
I guess I'm the kinda guy who has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway Father
I'm on my knees and I'm crying for Your help

Been high and low but the stories told
my eyes can show that I walked the hard ways road
when it's my time to go I'll stand toe to toe
to one who grips my soul whose never letting go
life's so cold but so many times
I shed so many tears from so many eyes spoke so many
lies
I was the maker of my own demise
my own face I couldn't recognize woke up one day
and realized my compromised lifestyle
since the birth canal to a juvenile yo this kid was wild
sometimes it hurts to smile but Jesus made it worth my while
keeping it versatilelike I was writing in Spanish backwards
in a cursive style so meanwhile to the mean time
I leave the blind to lead the blind
so with every step I climb
leave the past way far behind out of sight and out of mind

Dwindling myself grabs me tight with confidence.

I've got a thankful fruit from this year's effort.

For this second chance,
I set a goal of 100% attendence in school and fulfiled it.
I've got enough score to be called 'successful'.

I had been confident at the first time and I broke my heart with my own chisel and hammer.

As time goes by, everything looked so far from me.

So, I diminished myself in me.
I had known that I am nothing but a mere defect.
So I gave up myself and let him be the one to decide my way.
And with the joy sharing with him, I came down here.


I checked how far i can do over the given opportunity and it was successful.
I could get compensation paid of what i'd thought i lost.

That's all. That's all i wanted.
Even though I cannot go on this splendid, desired and blessed torture(competing with english speakers...), I am already happy enough and satisfied.

If I were given a bad result, I would be happy for having this opportunity I desired for a while.
So, how can i be unhappy with the fact that I got a successful result from it? Haha.

Nothing has been confirmed yet. What I see is never be the one coming later.
whether it'll be Mining or working in a farm, it's time to be ready to make another thankful fruit.

On a shallow ice at around summer.

Yesterday I got a confirmation that I cannot get financial suppliment from Bank and my father.

It seemed obvious but that i heard it verbally concludes a not quite happy smiling.
As I have done, I have to bear another bitterness in my chest over the selfish hope.
I think I can do it, I've prepared this moment for whole year and tried so hard to keep myself away from the far-away-dream that i am normal enough to stand in a crowd.


And I heard that my grandmother discovered cancer growing in her.
She got sentenced a short period of her life and when i listened to it, i remembered her voice calling me 'oh my puppy'.

Every single time she has shown her love for me is big.
Everytime she asked me to come to her house, I was busy for nothiing, doing for nothing and with no one more than her.

the messy life I have believed and lived in have had me in it and took the most precious things from me, the people who loved me.


With it, i'm at the zero point again. I'm at the mouth of 'brand new beginning beyond leaving everything i had'.
Although this confrontation is not so burdening as it used to be due to my soul leader, but as a weak human it seems true that i cannot get used to it.









This tag of my life 'lifegoesontheloninesstoo' seems a stigma on my heart that never heals up forever.

Farewell. End to And.

The strange year has been finished. Leaving where I am fit, I started this new (returning back) and exotic year in school. It was a good time. Not only because I had a memoriable year, but also I tasted student again. I could be beside the teenagers and felt so. It felt like it was a compensation of my bottom life lasted 6 years.

And everything has first finished, I had to say adieu to the chances of meeting ppl in a safely guarded frame, school.




Most of people left or are about to leave for their own countries. For a spare time to recollect the pieces of their own traces in Melbourne, for recharging their exhausted energy from the energetic support or encouragement about their support, these cuties went back to their people, their friends and their home.



Everyone has been given different things. To adjust themselves into a same picture, all of them struggle with the differences from normality. In fact, there is none such a 'normal' or 'usual'. Wherever they believe that they have something that is seen from others, they just assume and estimate this commonness.

whatsoever, i'm given this 'my situation' that everyone calls 'abnormal'. And I, too, strive to be fit in what i think 'normal'. And that concluded and brought a 'my type of farewell'.


Will you miss me? Wouldn't you want to see me again? Will you remember this time we spent?


My answer has been always same.
(direct translation from my Korean answer.)

Whenever you miss me, i'll miss you.
when you miss me, you'll know how i miss you.


It doesn't sound nice enough like 'Sure, I'll miss you!! I'll never forget this moment we had'.
I know that. I know. But that's the only thing that i can say.
That's the only thing i can say.



to manage myself. to keep myself. to protect myself. myself who is weaker than anyone.

At the zero point again.(from my cyworld homepage.)

whenever I thought i'm ready to run, i realize that i'm at the zero point again.

whenever I lifted something a little above, I realize that it is laid on zero point again.

Whenever I accumulated things little by little and felt it'd be enough for me, then I realize there's nothing in my hands.

Whenever I made a great number of my ppl and satisfied, I realize that i've got nobody near me.

Whenever I agreed that i know more than ever, I realize that i'm the most foolish than any other.

When I finished something, I realize that i'm facing new zero point.

Zero point. Whatever i do, it never fade away from me.

Every way i choose, the end of the way shows me the same zone...'Zero point.'

after facing a large number of zero points, Now i realize the reason why i got stuck in zero point.

because it's all done by 'I'. because 'I did', there was no change at all.

I'm nothing.. I can't do anything.. So at the moment I'm facing again the zero point, I just wanna give up myself. I surrender all who i am.

I won't do by my name.

Can you hear me, my Lord?

I will not do anything by and for me.

I lay down everything I have here,

take these and take my will..

please, please take a look here, here's a stray sheep wanna come to you.

lead me and use me.

I long to be absorbed in your love.

just put my life in your glorious name.

I know you listen to me now..

I can't even say the word by myself.

So just make me say I dare love you, Lord..

make me dare....

------------------------------------------------------------

[Song] 'Cant Live a Day' by 'Avalon'

I could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone`s arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many things
And I could carry on, but
I couldn`t face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can`t live a day without You
Lord, there`s no night and there`s no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You`re the heartbeat of all I do
I can`t live a day without You
Oh, I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful and new
They`d only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my every wish without a care
Oh I could do anything, oh yes
But if You weren`t in it at all
I couldn`t face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can`t live a day without You
Lord, there`s no night and there`s no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You`re the heartbeat of all I do
I can`t live a day without You
Oh Jesus, I live because You live
You`re like the air I breathe
Oh, Jesus, oh, I have because You give
You`re everything to me
I couldn`t face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can`t live a day without You
Lord, there`s no night and there`s no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You`re the heartbeat of all I do
I can`t live a day without You

A scribble during a M&C lecture

Speculation does not belongs to everyone. As the instructive education has been given to the most of people, grabbing unique idea and perspective with dumpng the habit of acceptance is never to be easily available. Because they are already instilled.
Perhaps I am one of 'they'. Brand new and view from outside, objective critical thinking is needed. No prejudice from the self-inserted idea loses its attractiveness, although I am more attracted to that 'no one caring' attitude, the atypical point of view.

15AUG08 in M&C lecture.

So, is that dumb?

You never know what's in someone's head, even though he/she really looks dumb.

It is like the smile of Clown.
His sadness is never to be revealed but only remains in he heart alone.

distance.

I don't have people around me right now.
But I do have so many people who care of me.

At here my hideout in Oakleigh,
at about to finish this year's studying chance,
I'm dreaming back.


My brother left for korea this morning.
My friend confesses me the suffering of loneliness.
most of the people i know in this island are about to leave back to their country sooner and later.
Even my house mates are leaving here soon.

This is not a kinda grumbling or a seasonal feeling.
And the reason why i'm so familiar with this solitude is so obvious in my heart.


For fulfiling the request of the flowering happy writing on the blog,
I'm looking back and remembering the people that loved me.

The prayers and concerns. The Letters and e-mails. The calls and regards.

These are never leaving me.
Even though I'm psycally all alone now having distance with you, it doesn't matter.
For relationship, distance is out of the fomular.



(One X One)Alpha = Relationship.

Alpha is the correlation rate of caring of each other.


Hm.. somehow it's childish, but it works.
Hahahaha.. just for fun.

-. Distance never apart you and your non-worldly lover.

What a life~!(assignment required to read.)

Hm.... To testify that my thought is not always negative.

I wanna write this with this immediate rudeness.
Empty can of thought may drive me quite weird.
But thru it, I might be able to jot down things that I can simply come up with.




(Pic. 1. Asian begger on the wall in Oakleigh, Victoria.)


-. Happy, wonderful and shiny day like today is always choking me with an idleness of comfort like HOI-stic pressure.

-. Certain type of dream allows me sobriery in it.

-. Imaginable future i cannot help but agreeing its big distance from me uses its fingers onto my face and design a suitable smile.

-. A strand of my desire is unbreakable by the hand of the Omnipotence and it tastes too free to be under the low ceiling.

-. grumble which is supposed to be an influence never touches the cool with no-dilemma.



(pic 2. riding horse, drifting to left.)

-. I'm now well experienced university library user!! So intellegent!

-. Somehow the steps i got to take looks so trivial!

-. the mindful 'keep in touch's were penetrated my heart and I won't let it through beyond the pond of forgetfulness.

-. hm.... happy 5 hours-lasted nap filled me with further developed desire of sleeping~!

-. My belly strive for the oneness and each muscle contribute to its one globalization to be looked as a wealthy.




Anyway, find just one of your enjoyments of the day from now on~!!!
(it's homework for those who read it and let's share yours by pressing the comments button below~!)

The reality of power!

Money is a worthless necessity.

The things I don't deserve.

15 Nov 08 today.

It's the most D-day during a year.

Today(the day above) is the day I could have so much things that I don't deserve.

I thank God for making me having this day which i don't deserve.
I thank all the friends for that giving me concern which I don't deserve.

all the msgs, prayers, phone calls, gifts, surprise party, txt msgs, letters(!!), and unknown glimps of thinking me relating this day. big or small, pricy or not, mindful or tirivial or blessing or cursing. Whatever this day I had was not worth me.


Cuz I know
how I haven't taken care of the people so much,
how I haven't loved the others as I was supposed to be,
how I have turned down the others' hands reaching me,
and I have felt the space in me was to bulk to be hidden,

I just don't deserve this day.


All the blessings and smiles I could have this day simply reminds me of praying more for the others.

whether it's deemed as religous or not, the biggest thing i can do for the people God sent to me as a lovethrough, is prayer.

I won't give up this day.
Cuz this day is the day i could have a material to happily remember in the future.

this hollow is still but i couldn't feel it for the day.

Thx God for showing me these loves through these beloved people.
and thx for the beloved.

Drip and Drop.

during the daily life, this cog never speaks of something impertient that everyone might do.
As a trivial role in this play called world, his part was always putting empathy to others.
To the people who were down, he cordially brought himself down to the bottom and tried to feel and share the agony in them.

He created laugh when there was laugh, poured out the sorrow where there was sadness and cheered up whom the depression conquered. He's been always regarded as a weak and dumb. But he believed that he could make a lot of his own. He trusted that he could fill the broken jar with water... till the event happened.



In this messy and busy world, one day he found a drip of something twinking. It had splendid brightness and looked so confident. He drew his hands together and took a drop of it. He was so happy that he could find this precious sight. It seemed no one ever touched it or quite a long ago some might touch it. He was so glorious. He put his hand onto his chest. It was infiltrated. He was about to move on. But he luckily saw one more drop is about to come.
He was so nervous. He couldn't help but wanting to share this exciting with someone. So he turned his head around.

There's none breathing with him.




There's none breathing with him, even though every one there was breathing.
The silence of none breathing overflowed into his ears loud and he had to let the shivering in him out through his eyes.

He did want it. but his eyes couldn't hold and finally dropped it. It, the delightful and happy 'it', fell down to the ground and smashed to pieces. It also broke up his heart.

He couldn't tolerate it. He, once again, graped a drip of it and moistured his chest. he could smile again. his heart was in need of someone to share it again. And he found there was none of breathing with him.

His 'it' left his eyes again. And he's receiving a drip of it again.



He will never leave where he's now. His reluctance craves for someone not busy in this all-engaged world. But he has one thing that makes him cannot stand with.




'There's none of breathing with him.'

in the mid of the world becoming transparent.

27Oct08 1406 @M&C Lec.

Transparent world.

There's no place to blame on the world's transparency. Beauty, and zest of a human is no longer able to be hidden as they used to be. Deepness is gone as no inwardness exists.
What you see is what it is. Expression is the only tool.
Holding is a dumb thing.
'Inside' becomes inside only then when it becomes outside.

Externalism has settled in.
It's time for invisible preciousness to be visible or it is not a valuable anymore.
Internal attractiveness is nothing.
The flavor of deliberation becomes tastless.

this era urges people to be transparent.
To get an ecstacy instantly.
To help judge things quicker.
To make everythings faster.
and
To eliminate the fruitful blossoming of charming perseverance that keeps inward beauty being grown up.

Dance, Singing, looking, visible joyness and whatsoever...

they already replace 'kindness, pureness, fidelity, patience', the inner virtues.
these genuine oldies are spit out.
those olies we are enjoying is only the exterior of them without kernels.



How poor the people who still follow the inward are.

Do you remember yesterday?

Do you remember yesterday?

were there stars in the night sky yesterday?

How much clouds were there yesterday?

What made you smiling yesterday?
Which way the wind blows yesterday?
Who did want you to look back yesterday?
When did you feel hungry most yesterday?
Why don't you remember some of those above about yesterday?


Yesterday was one of the days you have had.
But yesterday had not been met you before and you won't have the 'yesterday' again till the end.

There might be so many yesterdays.
But the yesterday you've been thru was just one particular yesterday.

No one had same day as exactly you had.

That means, U lived yesterday and everything was right there only for you yesterday.


For the everything that had settled for you, let me ask you just one question.




Do you remember yesterday?



...... yesterday that was designed only for you?

In fact, it's not that valuable.

Inevitable sacrifice.

The idea current human beings consider as the best is actually just a piece of source for the later human beings. Although it doesn't mean that the every right thing in the past is not totally wrong, if it is considered as not suitable for present, then it is just wrong.

Absolute truth. It is a non-sense but it is worthy. Because the belief in it can only give people an excuse and so that people can believe and say positively 'We are closing to the truth and the justice. We are developing'.

Truth we have is not the truth. It's just a belief that we have truth.

That is, it's merely a poor justification of this present time.

(from my note at 1100 on 16Apr08, Wed)

It's not easy to restart something that was almost forgotten.

People dream.
some walk, run, or rush towards it and some stop and be still. Some step back from it farther and father and some give up.

This world tells a plausible story as it is a hidden secret.


'Chase after the dream till the end.'






I don't agree with that sly and tasteless quotation, but i have my dream too.

Unlike the others, this dream never urge me but sometimes chokes me nearly to the death.

it changes its form all the time and occasionally it converts itself into totally opposite one from the previous one.

Anyway, that is my dream. I never chase after it or try to grab it. I just accompany it during this long journey, called life.


On that view, I have a companion who's always staying with me and his name is 'sensitivity'.
Whenever, whatever, wherever if i want these buddies, he allows me to cooperate on something. Although his appearance is always different, he's most of the time near me.

Once we hung out together at a river side, windy day without doing anything, but writing. We, as usually, came up with one story and started writing down.

for a few days, he begged me to continue it, but i refused it cuz i felt lazy to do it.


That's quite long ago. And we were busy been dong something else.
I accidently found that piece of paper, the memory from that river side, and asked him to restart it.

But he denies to do it.
How hard I try it, he never show his mind.
And then i can't go on.

Cuz it was not mine, but ours.

During the last a week, when i stayed home and did nohing, I couldn't even turn his mind to hang out with me doing the thing. And we've played with something else.

Right now, I really feel sorry missing the story, a bit hate his provoking timid mind, and really regret my carelessness to him.


'Water under the bridge.'

NO SPORTS for 3 MONTH!!

My right posterior thigh brought me to the hospital today.
The pain was getting severe and i could barely move.
(I shouldn't have run yesterday night.)

So I went to Monash Hospital and got an interview.
It is not hamstring strain. It is some blood collection and torn muscle.

Since 2 weeks ago exercising sports for straight 10 days results in severe muscle torn.
Especially last week wednesday, I played socer with some ppl and from the beginning I felt pain.
But my heart was burning(?) for soccer.
I just wanted to play more, so I ignored its seriousness went on..
And now, I have a pair of crutches on my both side when i walk.

Ah... What should I do!! I have revenge soccer league from next week~!

I can't play. It ain't good.
I tried to convince the doctor how much i wanna play for the league.
But Doctor affirmed that if I play a sports within 3 months, the wound will be permanent and you'll limp for your whole life..

Hm...





Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. (Luke 22:42)

To feel sympathy for the ones who ain't got a purpose of life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rXzXDUamCQ

It's a song, named 'Dear Slim pt.2' by KJ 52.

He's a christian rapper and this song is dedicated to Eminem who is so into cursing others.

To feel sympathy for the others, to long to share the real happiness to the ppl who doen't know about it, and to tolerate all the misguided blaming and threatenings, are the duties what christians has to do.


Something hot is forming inside of me.
and I pray God for Eminem and the ppl like him not knowing the real life.

'a life with out Christ is still a life that is never fixed'

Choice.(Hamstring strain)

I was dying for playing soccer.
and I finally could play a game but from right before the game begins, my right back thigh started pain me like it was stretched out over the maximum.

I could not enjoy the time and ruined my players' morale.

I wanted to play. I felt like it'd be okay after a while.
I kept playing. I denied the need of rest that my body claimed.

keep playin!! That was my choice. and the pain got worse and worse.
It was yesterday.



Today I reluctantly went to the city to do somethings.
I barely walked. I was walking like an handicapped.
And I am home now. My leg stimulates and pains me quite strongly.


This short story gives an moral which can be applied to everything.


When you choose (to do) something, there's always outcome from it and you have to be responsible for that.




Choice is one of the most blessing and scariest thing amongst all the taken for granted.

To flavor your tasteless life with laughing.

Just to make the visitors feel refreshed,

I sacrificed. (feat. Keung from HK.)

We were human beings b4 we found out the function of the laptop camera.

My angular part to be trimmed.

A tall tree catches much wind.(It doesn't sound like the proverb I wanted to use...)

Hm.. I mean, to be a circle, the angular parts should be trimmed.


For the state of me blessing whoever treat me in anyway,
For the true smiling of me whatever happens to me,

It is mandatory to lay down my arrogant thought.
It is a must to have a wisdom which open the sight of the narrow way.


To be Han man, the one whenever remains in any heart,

this reckless and lonely race will last on and on and on.

Burst out what I had to do.

When the load of life burdens on my shoulder, it means i was lazy enough to stack the pile of toil.

amazingly stink scent of the turmoil goes on into my olfactory sense which urge me to dispose as i reluctantly do.

Already this chronical idleness encroach on me and agitate me as it has no space to heap up.

It is this short break from being somewhere between dowsiness and overwhelming amount of tasks, like now, when I unfortunately have speculation of myself.


Hahahahahahahaha...

I'd better smile this time. Because I have far more to go for fulfill this word count of essay and my eagerness of own purpose.


Wind blows slyly thru my open window as it's whisper of abandonment.
hehe....

Give thanks.

Give thanks to the grateful heart.
Give thanks to the holy one.
Give thanks because he's given Jesus Christ, the son.

Give thanks to the grateful heart.
Give thanks to the holy one.
Give thanks because he's given Jesus Christ, the son.

And now let the weak say i am strong
Let the poor say i'm rich
Because it's what the lord has done for us.

Give Thanks.



-----------------------------------------------------------

It's Han'man a.k.a. 'J'.

Sometimes I feel like going back.
I just want to be me in the past, whom the people look up to.
just wanna show the things I have and let the others feel jealous.
That was really good in vain though.

To humble myself is never easy to do when you are in the middle of people who wanna be respected.

I had had no idea about humbleness and he simply made me lowered. He took some of the things I was proud of to tell me how much I had had.

Ever since I realized the reason why he lowered me,
I've been gratefully lifted and have felt thankful to God for having degraded me.

I have a worthy thing that cannot compare to the things that i lost.

And as a humble man, I can only give thanks to you, Lord.

Whatever this way goes to, I'll be happy for you having me guided.

I give thanks, Abba, my God.

Knowledge and wisdom.

Knowledge is not the measures. It's wisdom.

at the re-biginning of novel.

An abandoned story,
utilizing the shimmering mementos,
categorizing delightful inccidents,
overcoming sorrow of knowing losing real notes,
and throwing out loneliness coming from thorough isolation in the past.


It's time. It's time to get lost in.

walking alone on a sole journey.

Don't know where it goes,
but it seems it's the only one i can go along.

I walk alone as others do.

It's not a big deal.


The only difference i have than otherss is that I just know I walk ALONE.

* 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' by 'Green day'

For What?

There's one simple and easy phrase we all the time use and got used to hear.

'Do your best!'

And without any doubt, we just feel motivated or hastened and try things harder.

That phrase always works for something toward 'ACHIVEMENT'. And strangely no one ever ask oneself this question.


'For what?'


From somewhere, we started being able to do reasoning on our own behaviors like when we are teenagers and study hard for better Uni or something, we have often used that phrase to each other and heard it from our surroundings.

-. Do your best on studying.
'For what?'

What would be asuming answer of ours?

-. to get better grade or marks.
'For what?'
-. to avoid dad's or mom's blame.
-. to go to better Uni like Melbourne Uni.(haha.)
'For what?'
-. to get a good job.
-. to study what i wanna know about.
'For what?'
-. to make more money.
-. to compensate my parent's hardship in their life.

.
.
.


'For what?' can go on and on and on. and as the number of this question being asked, ur reasoning is getting accumulated. and finally, it ends to somethere you gotta think about what your life is all about.

Happiness, Self-actualization, satisfaction, compensation, honour, or etc.

Then it goes a bit to the philosophy.




What is 'your last answer' for?




your answer relates to the death and the meaning of your life.
Wherever u went with those questions to, there's no other ends but death.

And then facing a question like this.

'What is your life for?'


I dare not tell you the answer. Perhaps the existance of Philosophy at this present era tells me there is no a right answer yet.


I am not saying anything like 'life is meaningless. however it goes, the end is same.' or something like this.

But it may be interesting to think about your own answer for that question, 'For what?'.

And then, still wanna know about yourself, go on.


Where are you (or am i) going toward?
What is the purpose of your whole life?
If you achive it, would u feel enough and be able to satisfy yourself?
Will it be worthy enough your utmost effort clinging to it during YOUR WHOLE life?


In my case, I did it. And I filled up my answer sheet and found me deliberating on myself.



I finished it but I won't write it here, though.

And it's your turn to sit back, relax and self-inquire.


What's your answers? A u satisfied with it? Would you give your answer sheet 100 marks?

Happiness.

Dream a happy life.
Never give up rushing to one's own happiness.
Take a look at someone's happiness and empathize to it.
Be jealous of others' smile.
assume that you accumulate your happiness now.
expect to get your happiness as a reimbursement of your present hardship.


That's how a human live a life for his/her happiness.

But.. Happiness is not a condition or something.
It's not a visitor at a certain time come and knock onto the door of your mind.







It's about your will.



Having a will to say 'i am happy now' makes your happiness.

I'd rather be none than an alternative.

I'd rather be none than an alternative.
I'd rather be none than an alternative.
I'd rather be none than an alternative.
I'd rather be none than an alternative.


Being a second choice for others was never me.
Being an optional is never in the consideration.
Being a possibility will never be any part of me.

As always i be,
There are two of me.

Absolute choice or none of others' business.

that's me for others.




'U can hate me, but you can love me. the choice is upto you.
But I am here and never gonna change.'

-From song 'Hatred or love' by JooSuc.

Back to my place.

Thesedays, I feel like going back to my place.

Where I was alone,
Where I did by myself,
Where i was passive,
Where I was waiting for someone who fit me,

but where I could keep the stupid decency,
but where I felt the warmness of fellowship,
but where I had companions who share enjoyable grief together.


Being stuck in reminiscing about 'my people',

I just wanna wait for the people who wanna find someone they can call 'my people'.

For me in the 'my people',
For me calling others 'my people'.

I'm so sick of this ambiguity paradise.

I feel like going back to me waiting for the people being likely to be called 'my people'.

17Jun08 0114 in Library.

What I had is not what I had.
What I have had is what i had and what I have.

Losing...
In my head what I had is clearly what I had..

But when I am in front of others, what I had becomes not what i had.

The only place where what I had remains, is the reminiscence of the people who called themselves 'us'.

Bitterly, sorely but pricelessly and preciously...
What I had goes far and further.